There is a story in the New Testament (Mark 9:24) where a father of a young child who is dying and later dies cries out to Jesus, “Lord, I believe! Help my unbelief!”   I always loved this story because I feel like that so many days in my walk with God.  Heck.  I feel like that so many MOMENTS in my walk with God!

Well, I’ve believed for something for a while now.  It was hard to believe, but I had a different mindset then I had in the past.  I finally realized that God wants to heal us.  I don’t mean that like we’re all stupid and never thought of that, but seriously, God wants to heal us.

I use to justify things and say “Well, maybe it wasn’t Gods time to heal.”  I’ve had family and friends who I can’t (even to this day) explain why they weren’t healed.  I just know that God is a sovereign God.  But when it comes to praying for others and healing I have always been obedient even though in the back of my mind I have this small unbelief.  “Will He really heal them?”  “I know God heals, but will He heal THIS person that I know?”

Prior to being married to the most wonderful and amazing husband and father to our two girls I was married before.  I married Chris in 1996.  He had gone through cancer prior to us even dating and had just had a bone marrow transplant the year before we dated.  He was still “on his way out” of cancer.

We grew up together and after we started dating we had the “perfect” little life.  We bought a home, had two dogs, 3 cars, good jobs and were on our way to marital bliss when it fell apart on January 1, 1997.

Chris had been sick with a common cold that turned deadly.  He was admitted to Hemet Hospital on January 1, 1997 and died at City of Hope on February 8, 1997.  Five very short months after we married.

I begged God to heal Chris.  I did all the things I thought were suppose to work.  We fasted, we prayed, we got other people praying.  My parents are pastors so the whole church was praying with us and staying up to date on his status.  We had men and women of faith come to the hospital and lay hands on, anoint and pray for him.  But in the end he is currently a very happy citizen of Heaven right now!

I never understood it and don’t fully understand why everything happened the way it did.  It changed me.  It changed my life.  It changed my relationship with Jesus.  It was a long, very, very long walk.  It was a lonely one and one full of questions.  But it changed me.

So, now I’m married to an amazing man.  Besides God my husband is my rock.  I am amazed at his level of faith.  It inspires me to believe more… and annoys me that I don’t believe enough. haha

I’ve taken thyroid medication since 1998.  I’ve had low thyroid and after taking it symptoms went away and I have taken a small yellow pill once a day for 14 years now.  It isn’t a big deal.  I get a blood test once a year and I take a small pill once a day.  They say that once you start thyroid medication you take it for life.  Sort of annoying if you ask me.

December 5, 2011 I decided that I didn’t want to take it anymore.  I didn’t decide out of rebellion.  I made my decision out of a step of faith.  I have prayed for people to be healed, but never really put my faith out there for fear of being let down.  “Will God really do it?”  “What if it doesn’t happen?”

For 30 days I didn’t take my meds.  Several times I thought I had a few side effects.  The leg cramps came back, I was really tired, etc., etc. . . .  I questioned whether or not THIS was the time for God to heal me.  Then my spirit kicked in and reminded me that God is always a healer…. not just on certain days or hours.  Why wouldn’t He want me to be healed?

I fasted this past week.  I called my doctor and asked for a blood test on my thyroid levels.  Thursday, the day I was going in for my blood test, I woke up and thought, “Maybe I didn’t fast enough.  Maybe I’ll get it done next week after I’ve fasted and sought the Lord longer on this.”  Then I realized that if God was going to heal me it wasn’t because of anything I did or could do.  I can’t heal myself.  I’ve got nothing to do with this.  Either it is ALL God or it is me and if it is me then I will have to continue on my meds for the rest of my life.

Sierra (my 4-year-old) went with me to get my blood draw.  She told me she would go so that I would be brave.  She even prayed for me on the way there that I would be brave and she asked if she could sit next to me while I got my blood drawn.  She had no idea that I wasn’t afraid of the needle… I was simply afraid of my unbelief.

“Lord, I believe! Heal my unbelief!”  Just like that father with Jesus.  I SO believe, yet I SO have unbelief!

The nurse called this afternoon.  I didn’t tell her or the doctor that I stopped taking my meds.  I just said I needed the test.  She called to let me know that my test is completely normal.  With tears in my eyes I told Steve that I don’t have to take meds ever again.  I still tear up right now as I think about the fact that despite myself God healed me.

I’m going to keep my bottle of medicine that I didn’t finish and my new test results.  “God.  I believe….”

My pastor told me tonight that “What God is doing IN me is greater than what God is doing FOR me.”  How true that is.  And that is the same for you.  God is changing the INSIDE of you.  God is making you like Him.  If He heals it is not just for the sake of a miracle – it is to change you on the inside.  It is to direct you and point you to Him.

What do you need to believe God for?  What do you  have unbelief about?  Maybe it is time to take a step out and hand it over to God.  You never know…. there is never a wrong time to be healed emotionally, physically, and spiritually.  Try it.  Be like the father in the Bible: “Lord, I believe! Help my unbelief!”